I had no idea. I never knew I could love someone so much that I had never met. I didn’t know how this waiting would feel. Waiting. For a phone call. Waiting. For an email. Crying every night because another day has passed without a court date. Knowing that means it will be that much longer until I get to see my sweet little ones.
Jeff and I were talking tonight. There really isn’t anything else I can compare this to. The adoption process causes such a unique mix of emotions. There just isn’t anything else I have experienced that has left me feeling this way.
This current phase we’re in – the “you could hear any day” phase. It has really solidified my feelings for our new son and daughter. It truly feels the same to me, as if Cooper and Livy were on the other side of the world from me, and I didn’t know when I was going to get to see them. The way the Lord has grown these children in my heart has been incredible.
When we received our referrals, he was 6 months, and she was 2 months. Now he is 11 months, and she is 7 months. They are growing up. Without us. But the Lord is with them. And He has prepared our family for them. They have a home, but it isn’t where they are. It is here.
Then I am struck by the beauty of adoption. Our children think that their babies home is their home. It’s all they have ever known, so in their minds, it is the best there is. However, that isn’t the reality. They have a better home waiting for them here. A home where they will be truly loved and cared for. Where they won’t just be another mouth to feed, but will be part of a family and treasured for who they are. Their babies’ home is a good one, however growing up without a family isn’t how the Lord designed it. It isn’t ideal.
Here we are on this earth, thinking it is home. Thinking here is the best there is. But in reality, the Lord has prepared our real home for us in Heaven with Him. To be with Him will far surpass anything we could ever imagine. We will be complete.
How often I cling to things of this world, living as if this is what matters.
I like to think that if our babies knew what was waiting for them here, if they really understood, they would be as anxious as I am for our meeting. That they would count the seconds until they got to come to their new home. But then I ask myself, is this how I feel about my reunion with my Heavenly Father? About my arrival home? Sadly, it’s not. At least, not always.
Thankfully, the Lord is gracious enough to use my waiting, my pain, to reveal darkness in my heart. To remind me that I need to love Him more and my life less. To loosen my grip on this world and hold tighter to Him.
“Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”