Maya

Olivia

Cooper

Hope & Henry

A mom to a littles and babies.  That’s me.  For 8 years I’ve lived in the world of bottles, pacis, onesies and diapers.  Sleep training, cradle cap, strollers and toxic waste disposal.  What can I say?  I’m a bit of an expert.  Babies and toddlers are my specialty.  If there were some sort of certification, I’d have my badge.

And that’s where I’m comfortable – in the land of littles.

Well, about 8 months ago, I caught a serious case of baby fever.  Serious.  See, throughout our entire marriage, every 18 to 24 months we have welcomed a new baby to the family, either through birth or adoption.  Once we hit that mark earlier this year, I started getting the itch.  My heart’s desire was to either adopt a newborn or have another baby biologically.  Wanna know something funny?  Jeff is “fixed.”  Can I say that?  Oh well, I guess I just did.  Anyway, his big V Day was a few months after Cooper was born – back in 2008.  Apparently, it has taken me a good 5 years to accept that.  So, this past year, every time I started talking about having a baby, Jeff would just give me that “you’re crazy” look.  It’s similar to the “uh oh, you’re manic” look, minus the twinge of fear.

After realizing that I had been living in such serious denial about an already very permanent decision, I decided some purposeful introspection was in order.  Through that, I determined the source of my deep longing for another baby wasn’t as much about adding to our family as it was about not wanting to move on from this stage of live we have been living in for 8 years.  To close the door on having more babies meant that I was going to have to close the door on that entire season of life.  I would have to accept that we are past the baby phase and that my children are growing up.  That they are no longer babies.

So, I have grieved.  And I have mourned.  And I have decided it’s time to move on.

I know there are super beneficial things in this next season.  For instance, all 5 children can now buckle themselves into their respective seats in the car.  And the two youngest are on their way to being fully potty trained, which means no. more. diapers.  I have to so, however, that in my heart no benefit is great enough to outweigh my sweet children being little.  But, living in the past doesn’t bring it back.  All it does is cause us to miss out on the present.

So, moving forward, I am going to focus on the beauty of this season we where we find ourselves.  Where everyone is a bit more independent.  Where the girls stay up late to paint our nails together.  Where Coop plays football, and we all cheer him on.

In my mind, I guess I’ll go ahead and let them grow up.  I don’t think I’m going to do the same in my heart – not yet. I’m gonna just continue to live in denial on that one a little bit longer.

Maya (8), Olivia (6), Cooper (5), Henry (3) & Hope (3)

It should be noted that after I made the decision to look to the future, I did what all moms do when their children start to grow up – I got a pet.  A parrot to be exact.  I tried my best to convince Jeff to let me have a miniature llama, but to no avail.  Rainbow was his compromise.  She is the only one in our house that can handle my super loud hyper spells – she even joins in.

Rainbow, my only baby