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My moods were fine. At least that’s what I assured people around me who continued to suggest otherwise. Concerned something was wrong, they kept asking how I was feeling. I always responded that my moods were “fine” because I thought they were.
Well, about a week and a half ago, I finally conceded that maybe there was some merit to what friends and my husband were saying, so I went back to the doctor. My doctor and I have been tweaking my medications for months to find a successful balance, but up until recently had only gotten me up to “fine.”
At my appointment, my doctor upped my anti-depressant, but also told me that no one feels great a majority of the time. Emotions are such a difficult thing to quantify, that I think when a depressed person describes how they feel, sometimes it just doesn’t come across accurately. I’m betting that his fine and my fine look very different. Needless to say, that appointment left me in tears.
But guess what? I started my new dosage after my appointment, and I feel better! I don’t just feel fine, I feel good! Suddenly, the sky is bluer, my kids are even more wonderful, and I actually feel like doing things – lots of things!
When my moods started lifting, I was initially concerned that I was headed for a manic episode because there was just such a huge change in my moods. After talking to a few people, I realized that what I was feeling was just normal. That this is how most people feel all of the time. Well, let me just say that it’s AMAZING!
Now, moods described as “amazing” can be very scary to hear from someone with Bipolar. Let me assure you that I don’t feel like I should offer my assistance to the President, try out (and make it) for American Idol or even frantically organize my house all night, all of which I have felt in manic episodes. I just feel free. I feel joyful. I was explaining it to Jeff, and he gave me the name for it – content.
So, before last week, I had put off going back to my doctor because jacking with psychiatric medications is obnoxious. Every dosage increase brings back the side effects your body has previously gotten over, and there’s always the possibility the doctor might give the dreaded recommendation to change medications. Ugh! That means slowly weaning off the current med, and then slowly working up to an effective dose of the new med, all the while feeling horrible until everything is evened out again. This transition can take at least a month to complete, and after all of that, the medication might not even work or have side effects you just can’t tolerate. Obviously, you can see why most people avoid this at all costs, unless their moods are just intolerable.
BUT there’s always the possibility that the change could totally pay off. The change could be exactly what you need and provide such an awesome payoff, that in hindsight, you would endure the potential difficulties without hesitation to get to this new place.
The same is true in life. Change can be hard. And change can be scary. Change can even turn out badly. BUT change can also be completely worth it and provide greatness beyond our expectations or even imagination.
Do you have a change you should potentially make in your life right now that just might be might be worth the risk?
Edited July 2014 – Unfortunately, this wellness did not last more than a week. Because of that, I chalked it up as an unsustainable momentary improvement in my condition. As you can read in this post, I made a few more changes to my medications, and I finally the improvement has improved.