I haven’t written too much about life with H&H lately. Honestly, at times I haven’t really known what to say. Since some of you are in the process of adopting, or are considering adopting, I thought I would be real about things. I can’t stand the whole blog world of perceived perfection anyway. 🙂
Time here with the kids has been hard. Not they make a lot of messes hard, but sometimes we think we will loose our minds hard. We have been tired, angry, emotionally exhausted and just flat out mad. I had prepared myself that the whole adoption thing was going to be difficult. In fact, that was a bonus to me because I tend to be pretty self-reliant, and I knew that it would force me to rely on the Lord. The only problem is that the hard I was expecting is not the hard that I got. I figured having Hope and Henry would be kind of like having newborns. They would be fussy, and I would be sleep-deprived, etc. The primary difference I have found is that as a mother, I was already very attached to my other children when they were born. I had carried them in my womb. I had rubbed my belly and talked to them. They all came out looking like my sweet husband. 🙂 There was an instant connection.
Well, adopting is different. It is still lots of crying and sleep deprivation, but you don’t have that attachment there to sustain you. When Cooper would wake up in the night, I would be super tired and sometimes annoyed, but once I saw his sweet, chubby cheeks, and especially when he flashed me that gummy smile, I would melt and actually really enjoy the time rocking him in the middle of the night.
Unfortunately, that has not been the experience here. The kids don’t know how we work, and we don’t exactly know how they work. They start with a blood curdling scream, instead of fussing their way up to one. That’s what they have done in the babies home, and they don’t trust yet that we are going to meet their needs. One of them cries all. the. time. I honestly am not exaggerating. The child is unbelievably insecure, which is understandable, but panics constantly. It sounds really sad, which it is, however after the 3rd hour of crying straight, it’s hard to keep that perspective.
So has it been miserable? Yes. All the time? No. Am I angry that we did this or angry at the kids? No. You see, I am just like these kiddos. I was a fussy and difficult person, having no merit of my own, when the Lord chose to pluck me up and make me His child. Ephesians 1:5 says, “He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will.”
Unfortunately, I am still a lot like these kiddos at times. I don’t trust the Lord to meet my needs or take care of me, so I whine when things aren’t going the way I think they should. I don’t think He has my greater good in mind, so I make plans with little regard for His will. I can’t see past right now to the big picture, so I throw a fit. I am just like Hope and Henry. I have realized how frustrating this must be to Lord. Except He is perfect and Holy, so He doesn’t lose His temper, He just loves me through it. I wasn’t perfect when He chose me, and I’m certainly not perfect now, but I am His.
The amazing thing is that we don’t have to do anything to become children of God. Ephesians 2:8 says, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.”
We feel confident that the Lord orchestrated this adoption, and just like the Lord is constantly and tirelessly showing us His love and teaching us to trust Him, and so we will do for Hope and Henry.
Thank you for your honesty and for processing your experience through the truth of God's Word without letting your emotions guide or control you. His purpose is being accomplished in both you and Jeff and I am thrilled to watch what He is doing.
Amy Brandt says
You are incredible Jess. Your honesty is beautiful. Just keep taking one day…sometimes…one minute at a time. You and Jeff are so strong. Have a safe trip home. I really hope you start feeling better very soon. love amy.
Chrys and Mike says
Yeah, you're pretty much amazing, Jess. Thank you for your authenticity and willingness to be transparent. The Lord is clearly doing mighty things in and through you. Love you, friend.
Amen sister. In being a mom to Baby M, I have found that I need him as much as he needs me. God sustains, but that doesn't mean it is a picnic, right? Praying for you!